What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
