Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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