PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
