You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
