I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
