I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
