Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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