literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
