I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
