I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Sponge bath it is.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He better not be in your backpack
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
