toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
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