just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
