I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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