for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
