My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
