It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
