oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
