Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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