There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
