Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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