if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize