Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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