dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize