The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
