rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
