I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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