our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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