white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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