Got a toothbrush?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
