Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
