I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
