well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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