tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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