I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
literally had 100 drinks last night.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
