Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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