Got a toothbrush?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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