I'm pants shitting drunk right now
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
