the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
