I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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