were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
