Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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