At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
