im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
