you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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