she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
