I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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