I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
