my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
