I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
