I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
