Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
