Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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