I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
ok first of all what the fuck
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
