speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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