My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
