Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Blood and glitter go together right?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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