So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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