Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
