My friends, they love my intelligence
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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