how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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